This Strange Desire
by Voldemortsecret
Summary: Cassandra, a young Death Eater, finds her life brutally twisted as the Dark Lord seeks to make her his personal mistress. While part of her is repulsed, the other part holds much different feelings – feelings that are dangerous when they involve one who is presumably incapable of love.


**A/N :**When I was 15, I wrote this hideous fanfic and put it on hpfanfiction. It's still there, sadly. Last month, I rediscovered it, and rewrote it. It's much less hideous (I hope).

* * *

A young girl of perhaps nineteen paused outside the darkened manor, the shadows of misgiving playing across her face. Stepping through that door was a final decision. Irreversible. She glanced ahead at the impatient face of her elder brother.

"You can't possibly be backing out now. After all that time I had to convince mother."

"No." she said, despite the tremors in her body. She fought to keep her breath steady. "it's just, the idea of being in a room alone with _him." _He nodded, understanding.

"I'll be right outside the door. Dad didn't even bother to show for mine. I promise that if you just keep your head down, this will be the last one-on-one that you will have with the Dark Lord." She nodded, glancing at the skull and serpent tattoo on his left forearm as she did so. She had wanted one like his for so long...but was it for the right reasons? She closed her eyes and pushed the heavy oak door open.

* * *

His face had been different than she had expected, though she couldn't place it. When she had mentioned it to her brother, he shrugged her off. "everyone pictures him differently." he had replied. "He didn't look like he did in my head, either." But that wasn't it. His face was exactly as she pictured it, but his mannerisms, his eyes, as well, she supposed, were not. But she pushed it out of her mind.

* * *

Getting engaged was not her idea, but it was expected of her. Alexander was a pure-blood, and he would make a great husband, her mother had said. When she was a child she had said she was never getting married. They showed up at events together now, his hand on her shoulder. She kind of liked the weight and warmth of his touch. Maybe it would not be as bad as she had made it out to be. Still, she threw herself into her tasks. She rose up the ranks quickly, telling herslef it wasn't for the power, but as time passed, she was no longer so sure.

* * *

"Bellatrix likes you. She says you remind her of herself." She looked up from over her book at her brother, snorting. He laughed. "I know. But you should take it as a compliment. I heard the Dark Lord is interested in your talent too. He watches you. A lot, actually." She looked back over the book, snorting a second time, a noise of disbelief.

"yeah, right."

* * *

It was weird, how she could kill without thinking now.

* * *

The room was dead silent. She could hear Nagini sliding under the table and was careful not to stretch her legs. She felt her brother stiffen beside her. He hated the snake. She used to, but she did not anymore. She had grown to like it. She had changed. Her mind drifted off to her impending wedding. Alexander did not approve of her being a Death Eater. Her mother had told her to take on less duties when she was married, to please her husband. Her father had never once listened to her mothers pleas, but she had said that was different.

The Dark Lords voice cut through her thoughts, dismissing everyone.

"Rosier, Nott, and Kenway, stay." She jerked her head upward at the mention of her last name. Her father and brother did the same. "The girl." The Dark Lord clarified, realizing the confusion. She wondered if he even knew her first name. Most likely not. No need.

* * *

"You were not paying attention today, Cassandra." _So he does know my name. _ They were alone. she winced, closing her eyes. He was angry.

"I apologize, my Lord. I-" she stopped. He didn't need her excuses. Silence. The punishment she expected did not come. She opened her eyes hesitantly.

"enlighten me." He said coldly. "on what is more important than serving your master." She said nothing, embarrassed. "Well?"

"Just, I was thinking about my wedding." she said lamely. His eyes flashed.

"Are you honored to marry him?" She frowned. It was an odd question.

"No." She clapped her hand over her mouth. It had just sort of slipped out. "I mean, yes, but..." She stammered, lowering her hand.

"you think you could do better."

"No. I mean, he's a pure-blood, but his personality..." she realized she should just stop talking. She had a horrible habit of not knowing when to shut it. She looked up at the Dark Lord, who was considering her. Their eyes met. She felt an unexpected surge of emotions in her gut as she looked at his face. She wondered idly what it would be like to kiss him. _Oh, God, that was completely uncalled for._ She realized with horror that he was staring into her eyes, reading all her thoughts. He looked at her expectantly. "I..." His lips closed in on hers, catching her by surprise. It was a kiss of passion, lust, and something else, but she couldn't place it. She kissed him back, surprised at the intensity, how warm he was, how amazing it felt to be close against him, and especially how _right_ it felt. All too soon he pulled away, and all the good emotions flooded away, replacing themselves with fear. She took a step back, staring at her feet. They stood like that for a while until he turned and left without a word.

* * *

"What did he want?"

"He was angry I wasn't paying attention." She murmured absentmindedly.

"He punish you?" Her brother looked concerned. She could handle it, but it always killed him inside when she was hurt.

"No."

"Then why do you look, off?"

"I don't know. It was weird." He raised an eyebrow.

"Define weird." She hesitated. There was no way she was going to tell him everything.

"You know how I don't know when to shut up?" He groaned.

"You didn't."

"We had a- conversation- about my wedding is all. I may have said some things I shouldn't of, but he didn't get angry. I'm just, embarrassed." He rolled his eyes, but let it go.

* * *

"Malfoy Sr, Dolohov, and Kenway. Cassandra, that is." she lifted her head. It was the second meeting in a row he asked for her, though she swore she was paying attention this time. A thought passed through her mind, and she grew anxious. Would he kiss her again? She shook the thought out of her head and waited.

* * *

"Your father tells me you wish to take on less duties once you are married. Is this true?" She was furious. It was expected of female death eaters to contribute less once they were wed in order to have children. She had no plans of having children, and her father knew it.

"No." she hissed angrily, momentarily forgetting who she was addressing. Her voice softened. "No, my Lord."

"I thought not." There was a pause. She glanced at his eyes. It was clear that he desired her. She desired him, as well, but... she was hesitant. There was a difference between him and her. He stopped at desire alone, and she craved more. It was a dangerous attraction, when one feels love, and the other is incapable. Her mind wandered towards Bellatrix, who had been chasing after the Dark Lord for years. She did not want to become that. He leaned in, and she allowed his lips to meet hers. For the brief moment of the kiss, she didn't care, she wanted to be his no matter what he felt. She leaned in towards him instinctively, and came to her scenes only when he took a step back. He was remarkably hard to predict. Her gaze met the floor.

"There is to be another meeting two weeks from this date." The Dark Lord hissed softly, breaking the silence. "I see your unhappiness with your current situation." She looked at him then. Where was he going with this? "You have two weeks to make a decision, Cassandra." He circled behind her, hand not so gently placed on her shoulder. She winced at his grip. "Alexander...or me." her head turned sharply, meeting his eyes. Her heart leapt for a split second, wondering what he meant, but then it came crashing down at the realization she would be agreeing to be his personal plaything for what would seem to be the rest of her life. She knew he was reading her thoughts, so she looked at him for any sign of an answer; his face was passive, his eyes cold. He didn't attempt to correct her. _That's not even fair. _She thought._ Bellatrix was still married when she..served the Dark Lord. _For this last thought, she did get an answer. "That was a different situation." He said coldly.

"How?" she asked defiantly. His eyes flashed in anger as he raised his hand as though to strike her, but paused and lowered it as she braced herself. She looked up at him in surprise.

"Leave. Now." He hissed. She turned quickly. "Two weeks." he called as she walked out the door.

* * *

She walked softly across the parlor towards her brother, sick to her stomach. It had only been a week, but it felt like so much longer.

"Cass?" he frowned, looking up over the _Daily Prophet_. "You look ill."

"I've gotten myself into a mess, Jeff." she murmured, sitting on the couch. "I don't know what to do."

"Is this about the wedding?"

"I wish it was about the bloody wedding." She pulled back her sleeve and traced the tattoo on her forearm absently.

"Are you in trouble with Him?" He asked seriously. "I can help you in any way I can, Cass, you know that."

"But I can't think of how." she whispered.

"Can, can you at least tell me about it?" she shook her head.

"No, not, yet, I don't think." She rested her head on his shoulder. For the first time, she missed being a child, when he was the brother who fixed everything. He couldn't fix this. "I just don't want to be alone with my thoughts. It's not a good place to be."

* * *

She wondered what he would do if she chose Alexander. He would probably be angry. He would do something. Maybe even kill him. She turned her wand over in her hands. She had to decide tomorrow. Unless... she could kill herself. There would be nothing he could do to bring her back. She would be free, from everything. _No. _She couldn't do that to her brother. Her mother. Anyone else, really. And what if death turned out to be worse than either decision?

* * *

The meeting itself was an afterthought to her mind. She stared at her lap for the majority of the time, hoping no one noticed her unusual behavior. Severus had asked her if she had that stomach bug that was sweeping Hogwarts. She lied and said maybe.

When she walked in the room, it was empty. She startled at a noise, but it was just the curtain blowing into the room. She shuddered at the touch of the night air. She kept her eyes on that curtain, whipping and twisting in the breeze, not noticing the figure entering the room behind her. She gasped as his hand touched her shoulder. "So." he hissed in her ear. "Have you made your choice?" Still not taking her eyes off the curtain, she nodded.

"You."

She could almost feel the satisfaction radiating from him as he lifted his free hand and caressed her face softly. She knew she should feel repulsed, but she felt a tingle of joy instead. She craved his touch, his approval. She loved him, she realized. In a sick and twisted way, she loved him. She was no better than Bellatrix Lestrange. She shuddered. Bellatrix would hate her.

"Let me deal with Bella." he whispered in her ear. "She's a big girl, and should handle her replacement civilly." Cassandra was surprised at this. She had assumed she was an add-on, not a replacement. He kissed her neck. "Ah, but you're special. Now go. You have a wedding to cancel. Don't tell them why, not yet. I'll talk to your father." He relinquished his grip on her shoulder then, and watched as she left the room.

* * *

The world seemed surreal to her. She felt as though she didn't belong, as she entered her home, sitting down for dinner with her family and Alexander. Minus her father. She knew who he would be talking to right now. She didn't say a word until the end, when she pushed her plate away and stared at her lap.

"This isn't like you, Cass." Her mother observed. "You barely touched your food. And you haven't said a word all night. Are you ill?"

"I have to cancel the wedding." she said in a monotone. There was a silence.

"You can't." Alexander said finally, blinking rapidly.

"I have to."

"Cassandra." Her mother spoke. "You are being irrational, out of hand, and disobedient. I will not have this. What is the meaning of this behavior?"

"I'm not five." She looked towards the door. She thought she had heard her father. She mentally begged him to enter, staying silent as long as she dared. She exhaled slowly as he came through the door. He looked ill. Her mother began pelting him with words Cassandra heard as if through glass, about her, about the wedding. He shrugged them off.

"I know." He said flatly. "It's beyond our control." He whispered something in her mothers ear then, and Cassandra did not wait for the response. She excused herself and left. When her brother made to follow her, she left the house and dissapperated mindlessly.

* * *

She ended up on the lawn of the Riddle Manor. Cursing her subconscious, she sat on the steps and cried for what seemed like hours. When she felt empty, she entered the building. He was waiting for her.

"There's a room on the third floor ready for you." He said flatly. "I expect you to stay here now."

She didn't see him again that night.

* * *

The table felt crowded, and she attempted to hide her face with her hair. She could feel the stares even with her eyes closed. Bellatrix was shooting her scathing looks down the table, making her want to hit something with a reductor curse. She turned and glanced at Narcissa, who sat on her right.

"Ignore my sister." she whispered cooly. "She's just hurt you know. But inside, she knows exactly how you feel." she looked Cassandra over. "How are you?"

"I've been better." she mumbled, avoiding the glances of her brother and father. Her eyes kept flickering to the empty chair at the head of the table. He hadn't entered yet. She hadn't seen him all week. Narcissa nodded sympathetically. Draco gave her a small smile, which she managed to return. She liked the Malfoys, and had always seen Draco as a younger brother. She didn't like seeing him here. She felt he was too young. She realized this must be the feeling her brother had felt towards her when she joined three years ago.

A hush swept over the table as he entered. She couldn't take her eyes off him. She wondered what was wrong with her.

* * *

Making her way through the dim hallway, she felt his presence before she even saw him. She didn't know she could do that until recently. He said nothing about the previous week or the meeting as he approached her, he just reached out and softly caressed her face. The softness startled her. She, like so many others, had become so accustomed to pain at his hands, and nothing else. He kissed her softly, and without thinking, she reached out and placed her hand on his chest. It was the first time she touched him, and she hesitated, but he made no movement in objection. He leaned in again, kissing her harder, making her want more. She looked up, realizing they were at the door to his chambers. She froze. He started to kiss her neck.

"Don't you want me?" he murmured, now tracing her cheek with his finger. She knew she did, and she knew how much he wanted her. She saw the look in his eyes. His finger traced her lips. He pushed the door open, leading her inside. "My faithful..." he hissed as the door closed, lips descending once more on her neck. She gave a whimper of surprise and desire, causing him to pull back and take her in. "ahhh." he smirked. "So you _do_ want me." His mouth closed on hers, blocking any attempt at an answer. She shivered as his hands ran eagerly up and down her body, disappointing herself as she moved her body up against his. Had she no self-control? A sudden jolt of fear shot through her as he lay her down on the bed. She stiffened as he slid on top of her, angry at her body for responding with so much excitement. He lowered his head to her ear. "You are mine". She took a deep breath, surrendering fully to him as his lips traced her ear, making their way down to her neck. He was right; she belonged to him now.

* * *

The bed was large, empty, and smelled of him; the scent of silk, sheer power, and a hint of earl grey. She didn't remember falling asleep, or him leaving. She sat up and looked around. It was simple yet elegant, the way she assumed it would be. There was a side door leading to his study, the door to the hall, and a third she didn't know, perhaps a bathroom? Nagini was curled in front of the fireplace, which meant he was not far off. She shuddered. He had been amazing last night, yet she felt so wrong. She suppressed the urge to throw up, letting out a small cough. The serpent lifted her head and then slithered over to get a better look at Cassandra. "_Hello_" she whispered nervously. She had always liked snakes, being the only parselmouth in her family since her great uncle Thaddias, but this one seemed special. Nagini gave an approving hiss, and Casandra smiled softly. When she got up, the snake followed her downstairs. _Like a dog. _ She thought to herself. She wondered idly how often the Dark Lord would want her. She hoped it would be often, because she loved him, and craved his touch and approval, yet she also hoped for the opposite because at the same time, the pain she felt in her heart was unbearable.

* * *

It was raining. She was curled in the window seat in a far corner of the manor, watching the drops slide down the glass. She heard him in the doorway. Her heart leapt. Her love for him was overpowering; it had grown over the past two months, since that first night in his bed. But her mind had grown tired. She didn't turn around.

"Why?" she asked flatly. She didn't mean for it to come out, she realized, it had just sort of slipped.

"Why what, Cassandra?" He asked softly. She felt him approach her.

"Why did you make me choose. Why do I live here, why, my Lord, did you have to choose me?" Silence. Though she wasn't really expecting an answer. She pressed her forehead against the glass.

"Cassandra." His hand rested lightly on her shoulder. She stiffened. "I didn't know else what to do. You have an...interesting effect on me." She looked up, curious. He frowned, shaking his head. "I don't understand what's come over me. I couldn't think about you and that man. I can't bring myself to think of any other women..." He touched a lock of her hair. "You are quite beautiful." He paused. "I dislike seeing you unhappy. I thought perhaps I was ill. But, I don't seem to be. And if I was, you seem to make me ill, yet cure me simultaneously. I have no word for this feeling."

Cassandra finally understood. She smiled.

"Why do you smile?"

"I have a word for it..." She said softly, cautiously, taking his hand in hers. She didn't dare speak it aloud, for fear he would get angry, but she knew he read it in her thoughts. He sat with her, taking her in his arms. She relaxed, placing her head on his chest. It felt wonderful.

"I suppose it must be." He whispered after a while. He whispered the word so softly she could barely hear. "love." Cassandra opened her mouth, and before she could stop herself, she answered him.

"My Lord...I love you."

He responded with a kiss.


End file.
